Eroding Earth: Erosion in Progress

Memories 

They're heavy

I spend days and nights

Remembering

Those who remember the past

I long to repeat

Embrace change in all forms, im supposed to

But I lie

What I thought it would be, who i thought i would be, 

Particularly 

where i thought i would be

I try not to resist 

Instead accept

So that maybe my inner landscape can be lighter, more luminous

Let come, how water covers a body in a bath

But sometimes, i can't bear the bathwater

I like the way you laugh to yourself

Hu, I didn't think anyone noticed

I try to be myself all the time

But just refrain, remain 

In my right palm I hold my chest and control my breath

Slow my breath, don't hold my breath

I take a walk down the street 

Hands mold to a hot cup 

Look up

Even when I lay like a ruined city 

from the destruction of  body dysmorphia 

Far from utopia

I'll aspire to be patient with myself 

I need another bookshelf 

I don't have enough shelves for all these aspirations

It's hard to ground yourself when your constantly digging up the dirt

I want to break free

My inner landscape is vast 

And I am the only explorer assigned to these waters

Then, once more in my unexplored waters

I am lost

But at least it's not a surprise 

And at least this time I brought a boat

Though i think i've been here before…my body remembers swimming

I've posted for an internal transfer

But no answer 

I guess I'll be here for a while

My body remembers a lot

More than I give her credit for

Recently, I've begun to trust her more 

I used to trust her without thinking twice 

But that was a long time ago

There's a time I remember when I did not know doubt 

Is my body my partner or my enemy?

A time where this question would have had no place

And if my smile breaks today i should have brought another just in case

But i never owned a spare

Losing…learning…remembering not to flee

This is the prize

Inbetweens

This process

This 

Mess

I don't like furnishing the silence

Small talk

I like large questions

Big vulnerabilities

Huge risk

I’m scared by shallowness

I forget to check for a false bottom

Some days, I feel my body is in a state of drought

but then 

I go outside 

I walk in the rain

And once again I feel the depth of my breath