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I Complain...Yet the Reality Stays Fixed

Updated: Jun 10, 2023

Why is it this way? Am I just addicted to playing the victim? Is that my comfort zone?

I complain, saying I don't have enough time or the right resources or whatever the reason. Then life gives you that which you complained was lacking yet you continue to sit back and take no action. When the opportunity fades, you recommence complaining.

To put some context to this. I am a dancer. I call myself a dancer. It brings me so much joy. But I am so desperately afraid of not being and looking like what I want and what I expect, so I don't dance to avoid this confrontation. Being employed as an English Teaching Assistant has given me so much time, although teaching is so draining that I spend most my off-days sleeping and recharging. However, I realize that I also use teaching as an excuse to interpose between me and dance; a way to nullify the guilt I feel for not praticing consistently. For a long time, I have not faced my reality with courage and conviction in spite of my aprehension so as to transform what is into what I want.

Change has, however, started to emerge. Slowly. I subscribed to CLIstudios an online dance studios started by Twitch and Allison Holker. I have started taking the classes they have and have been blissful afterward. I move all the furniture to the edge of the room in the living/dinning room and move with no inhibitions. Two of the classes I have recently taken were both taught by dancer/choreographer Lucy Vallely. The style of the pieces is corky with a wonky tint and then when you least expect dipped in a classical glaze. While dancing, I feel so good. I feel so without burdens, without obstacles.

So then you might think "problem solved!" No more trouble.

Not exactly...

When dancing I feel good, yes. While sweating I feel like I'm doing something worth my time, yes. But getting to that point is the problem. I create these obstacles for myself like I need to do my work but I also need to dance so then I say as a reward I can dance once I've finished my work but, in fact what I want is to have something on which to blame my inability to have danced that day. So then I end up spending the whole day working and preparing lessons and never stepping onto the dance floor. Feeling depressed and only more anxious as I go just another day without practice I dig myself deeper into a hole that never needed to exist in the first place but does because I feel the need to place unattainable expectations on myself and proceed to only be disappointed when I do not reach them.

Still working on it. I wish the best of luck to you and what you are working on.

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